General: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.
Colonal: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, and talks to God.
Lt. Colonel: Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding B-B, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.
Major: Barely clears Quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occaisionally addressed by God.
Captain: Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggy paddle, and talks to animals.
1st Lieutenant: Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.
2nd Lieutenant: Trips over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol and mumbles to himself.
Sergeant (all grades): Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water at a glance. He is God.
Hooah. |
