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Dear Dogs...
Posted by: Sarah M. on December 18, 2004 @ 8:35 pm
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
Ohhh, and my compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs’ butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
I rubbed the lotion on my skin for a REASON! Not as an after-dinner snack for you. The newspaper spread on the floor is called accident paper... NOT habit paper! Also, I do not need your help driving the car, never mind what you saw on television!
And to pacify you when my friends/relatives come over, I have posted the following message on our front door.....
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it’s an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Dogs are better than kids. They eat less (in some cases), don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train. Usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug using friends, don’t drink or smoke, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Sincerely,
Your Owner
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Add your own comment
| From: |
Carol on December 30, 2004 @ 7:22 pm |
| Comment: |
This is priceless!! |
| From: |
emily on January 1, 2005 @ 10:00 am |
| Comment: |
thats too long bitch wanker. |
| From: |
Tom.m on January 7, 2005 @ 8:50 pm |
| Comment: |
woof woof hwoose there me doggy hwoo i whant a biscuteit |
| From: |
IM BLONDE AND HOT>>> on January 25, 2005 @ 9:55 pm |
| Comment: |
HEY I DIDNT EVEN READ IT UR A DUMB ASS SLUT GUTS...MAKE IT SHORTER....IM HOT |
| From: |
dogluver on February 7, 2005 @ 4:17 pm |
| Comment: |
y’all’s nuts this joke’s the junk!!! |
| From: |
,L,OK on February 8, 2005 @ 3:48 pm |
| Comment: |
? |
| From: |
jen on February 17, 2005 @ 6:09 pm |
| Comment: |
at least you spelled everything correctly! |
| From: |
me on February 22, 2005 @ 5:47 pm |
| Comment: |
I like monkeys! |
| From: |
ME on March 10, 2005 @ 7:20 am |
| Comment: |
THAT WAS DEFINATLY WORTH THE TIME TO READ! LOL |
| From: |
keiran on March 13, 2005 @ 1:19 pm |
| Comment: |
too long it is shite |
| From: |
kaitlin on March 23, 2005 @ 4:26 pm |
| Comment: |
that was a very neet joke
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| From: |
Donut on April 1, 2005 @ 11:56 am |
| Comment: |
The fact that you sat around and wrote all of this out says A LOT about you....... think about it...... |
| From: |
Lindy on April 9, 2005 @ 6:00 am |
| Comment: |
Excellent!!!!! far too true!!!!! |
| From: |
baz on May 6, 2005 @ 8:58 am |
| Comment: |
im hard to impress, and that is probably the best joke ive seen and its all true!
and at least it wasnt just a dum joke which was obvious or written by some lifeless nerd.
well done
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| From: |
rdrlvr on June 15, 2005 @ 6:53 pm |
| Comment: |
awesome, all those comments apply to my household!!!! |
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